Nick Piper's Blog

I have been invited to 4 weddings over the next few weeks, unfortunately I wont be able to attend all of them as I will be away. My initial excitement about a good piss-up at a wedding was dampened when I reaslied there probably wouldnt be any alcohol whatsoever.

Sandhya’s wedding ceremony started at 7am, but I arrived fashionably late at 8.30am. Not only was I the only Westerner in the Temple – I suspect a probably 5 mile radius.

Unlike English weddings, there are multiple weddings all at once in different areas of the temple. Guests sit around the bride and groom as music is played, prayers said, mantras chanted and a lucky coconut passed around. Instead of placing a ring on a finger, it is placed on a toe.

Eager to get some good photos I squeezed my way to the front, only to feel the hot glare of the video camera on me and then notice that everyones attention (and indeed cameras) had turned from the ceremony to me!

Sandhya and Chandra

Indian Temple

Reception Sign

So Slum Dog Millionaire cleaned up at the Oscars, which was celebrated all over India and particularly in Chennai as the music director lives here.

All i heard on the radio for a few days was

” tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil SLUM DOG MILLIONAIRE tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil OSCAR NOMINATION tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil PROUD TO BE FROM CHENNAI tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil tamil JAI-HO!”

The film isn’t without its critics who complained about the use of the word dog in reference to those who live in the slums

I bought tickets for the whole company to go and see the film a few weeks ago, but fell ill so although I have bought it on DVD I still havent seen it!

I don’t have a driving License in the UK – but the process for obtaining one in India is far simpler.

To get a motorbike license you must:

1. Drive in a figure of 8 around two cones

To get a car license you must:

1. Drive 1 km
2. Reverse park

Indian licenses here I come.

The story which has dominated the news this week has been the rioting between lawyers and police at Madras High Court.

To summarise what happened:

1. Leader of the political Janata party insulted a Lawyer on ‘caste lines’.
2. Colleagues demand his arrest, which erupts into violence.
3. Police and Lawyers start throwing stones and bottles at each other
4. Police fire tear gas and baton charge the lawyers
5. Police smash up Lawyers cars and Motorbikes
6. Lawyers set fire to a police station and  State buses
7. Elite Commandos called to the scene
8. 122 Policemen injured, 150 lawyers charged with attempted murder.

Great to know the the purveyors of Law and Order have such a blatent disregard for the rue of law.

I predict a riot . .

It wont have escaped many people that yesterday was my half birthday! The other occasion that is celebrated is of course Valentines Day, although in India couples showing affection in public run the risk of being attacked.

In recent months there have been attacks by Sri Ram Sena (a right wing hindu group) or the “Hindu face of Taleban” as they have been described. The most high profile being a group of 30 men attacking women in a bar in Mangalore. 

To counter this, a facebook group was created called ” The Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women” which has of 42,000 members. They urged members to send pink underwear to the Sri Ram Sena. Genius.

But despite this, there were attacks on couples yesterday, by these self styled ‘moral police’. In one instance, a man was forced to marry a donkey as an act of humiliating punishment for being seen in public with a woman.

Still, there were instances of couples being forced into marriage or tie ‘rakhis.’ In Ujjain, a brother-sister duo was not spared as some miscreants – claiming to be of the Bajrang Dal – mistook them to be a couple and beat up the boy.

So happy Valentines everyone, hope you had a good one.

So my illness could be down to:

Milk, Cheese, Egg, protein, wheat, cereals, peas, oranges, fish, chicken, nuts, chocolate, natural and synthetic additives, artificially flavoured articles, alcohol, pollen, dust, heat, fungi, antibiotics, cocaine, heroin, insect bites, fungal infection, deodorant, perfume, cosmetic products, washing powder, stress or just to cover anything else, it could be “idiopathic” – unknown.

Great, that’s useful, really narrows it down.

Formally known as Pondicherry, this ex-French town 200km South of Chennai is in fact its own state. As such, it has its own – more relaxed – alcohol laws.

Initially we had planned to get a AC bus to Ponducherry, but my driver insisted he drove us down. We grabbed some fast food on the way down, titled our chairs back and watched DVD’s for the entire journey – well, when in Rome.

The town is split into quarters, the most interesting being the French, where as well as colonial architecture you have policeman with red ‘kepis’, street names such as ‘Rue de la Marine’ and pain au chocolat served from cafes.

And the only pictures I have from this charming Gaelic enclave don’t capture any of that at all. . .

Life's a beach

3 amigos

So, just like clockwork I am ill again, by my calculations next episode will be coming in on around the 23rd February, it will be wet, certainly windy and heading in a southerly direction.

To top off feeling ill I have work up this morning COVERED in itchy lumps. 

Not one or two –  one or two hundred if not more – and they f&*king itch!!

It wasn’t a mozzi as i was under my net, even its either an allergy (i doubt) or some king of bug which had an party on me last night.

Off to the vet now to get checked out.

My Bumps, My Bumps, My lovely manly bumps...

The Kingfisher beer out here has glycerine in, as a preservative in the heat. If you lower an open bottle upside down into a glass of water you can watch an oily film (glycerine) descend from the bottle as it is heavier than water.

The effect of the glycerine after a relatively light drinking session is truly unbearable.

I woke up on Saturday morning with the most banging headache I have ever had and to make things worse, I hadn’t bought any water recently so I had nothing to drink in the house.

Not a good day.

I think i will avoid drinking Kingfisher in future, but I have said that before!

(Edited from a facebook group)

1. You’re almost run over by an auto, who then stops and asks if you want a ride.

2. You end up having dialogues with mosquitos.

3. Internationally acclaimed artists perform everywhere else except where you are.

4. You need Set Top Box to watch pay channels.

5. It takes you 20 minutes to cover 3/4th the distance to a place, and then 40 more to cover the last 1/4th cuz you’re stuck in traffic

6. The temperature is around 30 degrees C in “Winter”

7. Straight men walk around on the roads holding hands with each other.

8. People on cell phones yell so loud that it makes you wonder whether they need a phone or not!

9. Auto drivers REFUSE to use the meter. Ever.

10. There are pictures of prominent politicians in sunglasses everywhere.

Click here to see where I live using Google Maps

or

Click here to see where I live using Google Earth

Christmas and NYE were both spent DJ’ing in the resort I was staying at. Luckily for me I had the very talented ‘Barry on One’ warming up for me.

Not your usual warm up, a 50 year old, on one leg, who – as he played the crazy frog tune – told the crowd (two pairs of bewildered couples) his new years resolution was to “have more sex, as he hasn’t been able to get his leg over”

Hop along now Bazza it's my go . .

I’m off to Goa for Christmas and New Years, but it doesnt feel like Christmas at all.

I haven’t seen a single Santa hat, Christmas tree or heard a Christmas song – still, hardly the worst thing in the world.

Another long train ride

These are by far the biggest tunes rocking Chennai

1. Oh Shanti (Chennai Sunset Mix)
2. Oh Shanti (Bombay Badder Beefed-Up Remix)
3. Adiyae Kolluthey (Rajasthan Rock mix)
4. Mundhinam (With more than a hint of Geroge Michael’s ‘Faith’)

Not too sure how I’ll fit them into my DJ sets, but I’ll find a way.

I decided to buy and England cricket top and an India cricket top and take them to the tailors so I could have a half / half version to wear at the Test Match.

Sasi took me to the mall, but the versions he showed me were horrible cheap rip offs, but fortunately soon enough we came across a Nike shop, where I found a reassuringly expensive version. Problem was, the cost of two tops would be an astronomical figure for my driver, so I made my excuses about it being too expensive and left.

As yet I have had no real haggling in India – last time I always haggled every price, even if if was for a few pence.

The realisation that I had lost my touch struck me when I walked away from the shop with the two rip-off polyester versions that i had somehow managed to haggle up!

And when the top came back from the tailors it looked great, but was clearly for an 8 year old.

So I haggled up, for a two tops that were too small for me.

Great.

I think my English is getting worse, an hour and a half everyday with my driver has reduced my vocabulary to monosyllabic words. I find myself mimicking how he speaks to aid the flow of our chats.

Surely its supposed to be the other way round?

When he doesn’t understand he smiles, laughs, nods his head and repeats one of the words I have said, a habit which I have now picked up when I cant understand him!

Cycling on the way back from the gym I was greeted with the usual “Good Morning, how are you?” from utter strangers, beaming away at me. As I overtook two school children on their bikes they struck up a conversation with me.

“What is your name?”

“Where are your from?”

“What is your salary?”

“Is there no work in England?”

“Are you married?”

and so on.

It was the best conversation I’ve had in a while.

Getting to the gym is never easy for anyone, but last Sunday I took my shiny new bike and ventured out onto the main road. 

If a Western face in the street attracts plenty of stares, imagine the effect ‘Westener on a shiny new bike’ has, whilst on the busiest road in Chennai.

So, to the gym, dodging cows, an ox, motorbikes traveling the wrong way down the street, packs of dogs, pedestrians, autos, cyclists whilst huge lorries and buses thunder by sounding their horns. Not the most pleasant experience, a white knuckle ride more like. 

Eventually I arrive at the gym – its closed.

Mooooove

Breakfast is particularly lonely and as I opened a new marmite it occurred to me that in 30 years, I had never been the first to dig into a new jar. Marmite takes ages to finish, the cupboard here bears testament to that – there are another 6 jars which someone has bought, yet to be opened. Even when you do finish one, the jar is so dark you have another week of scraping around getting the last bits.

So then I wondered how many people had actually opened fresh marmite? Had my brother? Was I now part of an elite group?

And then i realised what I have been reduced to without company in my house.

Oh dear.